Living as an outsider on the inside:
Looking backwards I remember the deep turmoil which I experienced within me from a very young age of 8 years, the meaning of which was not understood, when as a child we are so busy with school and college education.
This inner unrest made me feel very disillusioned by the outer world. I always found it difficult to identify with the rest of the world, their beliefs and way of doing things. I never felt a part of any kind of group and because of this at times I was thought to be arrogant, an introvert or just a loner.
Though I was a regular person, living a routine life, with a wonderful family; this void that always gripped my mind and soul was never fulfilled from anything on the outer world. In fact I could never understand what was wrong; that I stood aside from all on many occasion.
I could not explain my thoughts to anyone else, as I myself did not know what was happening; what is it that I searched for all the time; what is the void that covered my mind, body and soul?
By the year 1994, a realisation dawned that it was my own mind which never let me rejoice in the routine life; it always tried to direct me to look for some different meaning in what we call normal life.
Being very, very busy at that time with home and children, and earlier with studies, I never did find the time nor the conviction to try and understand what this could be. There were those several moments when I felt a severe clash of identities. This search went deeper and as time passed, spiritual books became my first guru. But in spite of a daily reading of 4-5 hours per day, and meeting of various spiritual and religious leaders I failed to get any meaningful answers.
The acute longing and emptiness and ache that I had with me all through the 40-45 years; in spite of all the most wonderful family and worldly pleasures did not go away.
As a seeker:
Few years ago, after my initial diksha in 2004, did I understood this pull as the voice of my soul trying to awaken me to myself and make me aware of my inner reality, I do remember brushing aside this other, inner call of the soul; but then it gave rise to a lot of emptiness and some questioning;
At such moments I recall complaining to God too , “If You want me to move towards my soul awareness, why did You put me in such responsibility ridden situations as it would not be right to give up my present life karma and walk towards my inner identity”.
As Shree Krishn in Bhagvad Gita tells us:
“Wherever one has been placed in the present is all due to the past karmic Len-Den (give and take). Renunciation is only of expectations, actions have to be performed to the best and together with the results offered at feet of the Divine”.
The sacred word of Shree Krishn does not permit any soul to move away from their present karmic situations.
‘Who am I, what does my heart actually long for’; this question kept nagging at my heart.
Spiritual awakening and final Diksha:
Unknowing to me, I was already on a spiritual path as early as 1992/93. It took 10 years of purification in mind, body, habits, health and emotions, for me to consciously understood this and by 2002 I found myself entering the depth of what awaited me in the divine dimensions.
My initial diksha in 2004 became the conscious turning point in my life.
As I went deeper in meditations and encountered the Divine flow within; did I understand that the actual lack, which I felt all through my life was for the Divine; and mistakenly I searched for it in the outer dimensions.
On the 16th August 2005 I received my final diksha. It felt as though I was being born into a new reality of myself.Gurushree had made his special tilak, and with a siddh mantra applied it on my ‘Ajna chakra’ three times; which is the third eye area.
From this day my true adhyatmik journey began; and what an extraordinary anubhuti it has been!
I think I’ve been very privileged to receive this final diksha from a guru as pure and powerful as him. Gurushree was there with the total energy flowing ‘live’ through him at that moment. His left palm with the Divine flow becomes a medium for Divine Love and Blessings. ShreeNathji always accompanies him with blessings when some important work needs to be completed.
WHO BLESSED ME? WHO GAVE ME THE FINAL DIKSHA? WHOM DID I SURRENDER MYSELF TO?
The awakened soul:
Few years ago I added a name to my existing Abha Shahra. This earlier ‘personality name’ Abha Shahra, described only my mind and body; but now with deep connection to my awakened soul, it required that I add an extra dimension to the already existing outer personality name.
So I add ‘Shyama’; this is the name for the awakened soul in total purity and bhakti, the DOT from where I am connected to God, ShreeNathji.
Abha-Shahra is the Mind-Body; ‘Shyama’ represents my awakened ‘Soul’
‘… With the Divine Shreeji, the brilliance of His light drowns me in total devotion and there is no where else I want to go; the ‘here and now’ is all I need to fulfil the soul journey. The energy flow is stronger; there are the various inner fragrances that I experience. The body is never left alone, can always feel some work being done by this mysterious force, which seems to have taken possession of this body and mind: making it purer and more sattvik…’
I have learnt to live my life on the highest truth,
‘No matter what others say or think; if your intentions are right do not be afraid; there are moments when you have to follow the soul’s demands towards your God, move on. Do not stop walking on your adhyatmik journey only because some people do not have the right understandings’.
Initial divine interactions with Thakurjee which ignited my bhakti and magnetised my soul to the magnet of ShreeNathji love.
In total surrender to Divine ShreeNathji who had accepted to be my ‘MahaGurushree’ some years back; I believe that I am the luckiest soul in this world.
When in the deepest of meditations, as I experienced the Presence of Divine God ShreeNathji-Shree RadhaKrishn, He had declared, “You are my ‘best friend’ and you will be the only ‘friend’ I will ever have”. (details in varta section)
Under their blessings I have been lucky to be a sakshi to many spiritual mysteries; which unveiled for me.
I first visited ShreeNathji at Nathdwara in 2004 October with Gurushree. It was my second visit here from 16th to18th February, which became the turning point of my life.
The 16th to 18th February 2005 was like a trip to another level of being. It now seems like a dream; the experience was so heavenly, so out of this world, so different from what we think as reality.
The 60 hours spent at Nathadwara, in the close vibrational level of Sudhirbhai; who happens to be closely associated with ShreejiBaba took me to a very different level of experience.
I spent those 50 hours in close proximity of a soul who is the unmanifest form of the Deity whose darshans we had gone for. I had never ever imagined that darshans could have such a powerful impact on the psyche.
We did a total of 14 darshans and both days there was a visit to the Gaushala, without which the yatra is incomplete. I had hardly slept in these 2 days, so I must’ve been awake for a total of 36 hours with a sleep time of 3-4 hours. There was no tiredness and I did not feel the need to rest in between.
Sudhirbhai always insisted on the highest purity; between each darshan if we had gone out of the mandir, showering with ‘paste’ was a must; so in the two days I must’ve showered at least 10-12 times.
Before this had never been so close to such high levels of purity and one pointedness in bhao.
It was like being on a ‘high’ without any intoxicants. The craziest part was that I didn’t want to come back to reality (routine life). Somewhere deep within I wished and hoped time stops and I continue repeating the 2 days over and over. There was no satiation.
I learnt the importance of maintaining complete purity of mind, body and soul; in thoughts, clothes, foods, and conversations too.
Till now I had never been introduced to this level of doing darshans at any mandir.
The direct experience is the most important, but for which shraddha is required to help penetrate the mayic veils which blind our eyes to some very obvious truths. Spiritual reality requires no outer confirmations once the individual’s faith begins to work: the truth is there right in front of our eyes to be experienced and digested. It cannot be expressed in words as the impact cannot be felt until one opens the self to it.
My next yatra to Nathdwara was in September 2005 for five days.
There is no TV, newspapers, or phone calls. It’s mostly a total cut off from the outside, except when actually required, for essentials. Food is very simple, and maximum time spent at the mandir with SHREEJIBABA.
We did a total of 40 darshans this time, with the Gaushala every day.
The ‘Who am I’, gets connected to my conscious mind and gave me the need to go deeper in this quest for the truth.From my personal journal.. ..Since back from Nathdwara, every time when sitting in the ‘mudras’, there are tears; not of sorrow, but of longing; An incredible longing of wanting to experience myself; of Vrindavan, of the different ‘vans’, Bhandir Van, Sevakunj, Nikunj van, Shyam Van, Banshi Vat; that sacred Vrajbhoomi, the Kadamb trees, above all GirirajGovardhan where even today ShreeNathjisakshatkars are there for the truly pure; the vibrational fragrance of the divine land; basically all the original atmosphere, all the darshansetc…Want to return there; when I realise,
What am I asking for?
Yes, there are memories of sometime, of some ‘time period’, and desire to be able to travel back in time, this separation from ShreeKrishn; from these profoundly intense energies in whose Presence everything feels so vibrant; is felt at every moment.. This electricity, this energy, this purity and this devotion and love, which fill me, are astounding. Despite all the hindrances, the Mysterious entered my life and the search for the knower began. Sometimes I feel as if I’m there but not there. Though awareness is not very high I am just carried into a state in which I forget myself as myself – as the personality. But those moments I feel I have truly lived and want to extend them forever and ever.